Rosebud Ben-Oni

Even Doves Have Pride

It’s the straight girl I dated who’s the most outraged 
I married a man, who confessed behind curved hand 
Just how much she hated 
What I could give her again 
And again. Back then I believed her. Truly. 
Don’t put me in a poem, she said, then read 
One meant for another
And thanked me. It takes a woman, she guessed. 
Or a genie. Perhaps the bottle only. If I could live there
Year-round and tax-free. Jump in. Death drop down 
A fifth-floor walk-up. No wi-fi,
All pistols, crowded subway platforms. 
Under Washington Square arch. Under Caravaggio 
In Caffe Reggio. Someone might see us. I’d play rogue
Boyfriend assassin. I’m hard to keep 
Alive. You’d think another woman
Would get this. In real life, I’m smaller than I appear
On screen. Whose screen. Wine by the crate.
Why aren’t you saying anything, she’d cry
When I’d get the flu 
Or talk about the future. 
Dripping wax from flameless candles. Vanilla Maple
Turquoise Sky. I text single words. Random wireless 
Popping up. Just paid for more data. I did no such thing. 
I like a lot of photos on Instagram. Years later, she cries
Traitor. Executioner. Wet blanket. Sucking 
All the power from the ballad. 
But does she know what doves do 
When they cry. When I’ve put them into a pot 
And Snapchat a savage dinner. Rogue dove assassin.
Rogue genie assassin. Chapped-lipped,
Locust-limbed 
And always cold.
Still the ticking 
Of the clock, a hunger crooning 
Under discount racks of returned clothing. 
Thank God, she always fantasized my mother 
Scooping me up, you sound like the 2 pm set
At a strip club. Girl not even. Years later, Mama gets a root canal 
And goes back to work. Same day. Same rogue waves
Mama passed on. Hard to keep alive. Red tide 
First steps where pelicans 
Eye small children in fair distance. 
No exceptions. How in June algae blooms 
Faucet to glass. 12-hour weekend shifts in a music store long gone,
Age 16. But straight girl wants live music. Crystal waters and silent
Bays. Take home more in a week than in a year I made. 
Back then I believed her. Truly. I did no such thing. 
She never heard a word, not the ticking into a dark 
Screen, not the uncharged phone didn’t mean 
A world so cold didn’t mean
It’s— she was never  
And neither
Was I 
And I 
Believed 
No such thing
Never
Not even
The dryness of her eyes 
When she cried
How do I get you alone tonight?